When I was a child, I was about approximately 5 years old, I wanted to be a nurse, why? The truth, I don't rember well. Maybe, because I thought the uniform would look good on me. Most of my childhood I said I would be a nurse, until around the age of 12 I asked myself the question: Do I really want to be a nurse? The truth is, no, I had gotten used to saying it and had never seriously considered what it would mean to be a nurse or if it really was what I wanted. I have always valued the work of the health personnel, but clearly the vocation and the courage didn´t have it, it was evident that it wasn´t made for that, if just seeing a little blood reduces my pressure.
When I was 13 years old, I entered high school and began to feel the pressure of people who believe that by that age we should already know what we wanted to be in the future (I don't even know this clearly today that I am studying a career, and obviously I wasn´t going to know it when I was 13 years old, the only thing I knew for sure was that I was in my first year of high school). As I mentioned in the previous blog, I was going to a professional technical school and decided to specialize in business administration, because it really was the best thing for me and, basically, because for a person with OCD, the word "administration" sounds comforting, somehow , and not because I was planning to study it professionally, although I really liked it too much.
That year I decided to give "the best of me" in school, which resulted in being first in the class, which caused many to believe that having a "place" is synonymous with trying to be better than the rest, so Therefore, you must know what you want, so every time the question of what I want to be in the future became more repetitive and comments like: "Even if you have the best grades, it will not come very far, because you will graduate from a professional technical school", so I repeated to myself that I was going to enter the best university in the country, What was I going to study? I hadn´t decided yet, but what I was clear about was that I was going to study at the University of Chile. Did they not want me to have everything clear? Well, I was in the half.
In the third year of high school, after many tests of vocation, I considered three careers to decide between them what to study. Law was the first option, it was followed by Public management and pedagogy in history. And in my fourth year of high school I had already decided that I wanted to study Public management, I really believed that I had the vocation to develop in the future as a professional and I had left law behind, because I have to admit, that no matter how much I decreed to the universe that I would enter the university of Chile, I really did not know if I would reach the score and, leaving it aside, I realized that I was much more interested in public management than in the law, because I felt that it fit with me, and that was really what I always had in mind when they asked me what I wanted to do in the future, I knew that was the answer. Also, that deep down I knew that, I would never be a lawyer like Annalise Keating from "How to get away with murder" (obviously without the murders), So I thought it was the right choice.
In my family we have always believed that by decreeing the universe we will achieve things because that way we attract good energies, it sounds mystical, but it is human to believe in something, right? Anyway, my mom told me on the last day of class that we were going to go to university, so that I could see the place where she was going to study next year, she hadn't even given the Psu yet, but, she was sure that I would study there, so that we went. My mom talked to everyone at the university, she told them I would be a future student of the university and, guess ... my mom was right (moms are always right).
When reviewing my Psu score I realized that I could enter law, but for the first time in four years I released the weight of wanting to shut up mouths of others and focused on myself, What was it that I really wanted?. I guess you guessed what my decision was. Currently I am very satisfied to be studying public management, I would lie if I said that I am in love with the degree, because it is not like that and maybe I never will be, but I feel that I am in the right place, I feel comfortable with my environment, I am learning things that really I am interested in them and I think that is really what I want to do in the future. I wonder what it would have been like to study law? The truth, yes. I wonder what it would have been like to study pedagogy in history? Yes, in every existential crisis. But deep down I know that I made the decision that was closest to comfort and my peace of mind, do I have everything clear? Obviously not. With my decision, in addition to finding something that I feel comfortable with, I learned that I am not obliged to have everything clear and planned, that dreaming big is never bad and maybe declaring the universe really works.
